Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
