You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
