the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Randomize
