so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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