sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
