so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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