I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
