You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
