could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
