I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Randomize