So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
