dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
