I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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