don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
