My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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