I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
