she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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