I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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