fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
