What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
