my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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