Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
