it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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