Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
