Whod you bang
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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