420 ftw
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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