you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize