all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
