please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you didnt know i had herpes?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
