right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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