i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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