I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
