READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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