the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
