worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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