dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
