a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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