why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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