No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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