I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
