i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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