I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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