Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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