can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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