Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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