I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
