Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
