Rock
Scissors
Fuck
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
