Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My vagina just recognized that song.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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