I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
