All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
