If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
