Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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