you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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