dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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