Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
