He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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