This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
