Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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