in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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