So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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