batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
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