Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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